www.leefur.com

Are you an eternal optomist? If I tell you about corruption in the government resulting in the death of hundreds of (primarily black) people dying that didn't need to, do you respond with "Yeah, but did you see the story about the pandas?! Delightful!"?

Then you are in the core demographic for a site built on an intriguing concept. HappyNews.com reports real news, just like "Unhappy News" sites like CNN, but they take a cut that eliminates the stories that may make you feel bad.

Oh, you may also want to check out HappyTown! :) :) :) !!!

I had my full iTunes library on shuffle, when on comes "Walking On Sunshine", that all-too-fucking-cheery song from the 80s that you now have stuck in your head. How happy! Weee!

But the most funnest part? It's by "Katrina & The Waves".

I couldn't make that shit up if I tried. See?

I'm walking on sunshine , wooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
I'm walking on sunshine, woooah
and don't it feel good!!

The extraordinary paucity of comments on here has me doubting whether anyone is still reading this thing, and at that if I should keep posting stuff. But for now I'll carry onward.

If you like seeing our Commander-in-Chief bumble his words, check out this explanation of just why he does it. It's not stupidity, it's wisdom. Link

(Thanks Bennett) 

(Hopefully by the end of this, you realize I'm kidding in that headline)

About the time when I was born, a professor at a major American university suggested the school paint the visitor's locker room pink because it would have a soporific effect on the players. Over time, the athletic department expanded this to include pink walls, showers, lockers, carpeting, sinks, and urinals.

Fast forward to the present, when some lady psychologist from a visiting school has gotten her granny panties in a twist, claiming that this pink color treatment is demeaning to women and homosexuals.

My question is this: Is the current community of women and of homosexuals so brittle that surrounding a bunch of man-apes in pink is going to crumble it to the ground? Or even crack it just a bit? Why are people who complain about things like this given a soapbox and a megaphone to amplify their inane babble?

I'm all for full rights for women. (I mean, except the right to vote, of course; women clearly can't make rational decisions and shouldn't be allowed to help choose our leaders. I mean, look where that's gotten us.) I'm also for full rights for homosexuals. Go ahead, get married, adopt kids, fuck on park benches, take over neighborhoods that need to be cleaner and have better restaurants. But for fuck's sake, can't football be football?

And beyond that, if you're "a gay" on a visiting team, are you gonna be in that pink chamber thinking "This is soooo offensive to my delicate football player taste. I never have to deal with such hardship!!!" (insert lisps at your discretion).

This world has too much time on it's hands.

Anyway, here's the story on ESPN: link

A quick Google search gets you a bunch of largely redundant articles

For those of you looking to get your caffeine fix, a sortable list of caffeine content in most conceivable liquid sources of such a stimulant. Link 

As reported by Gabe, I have some bad news. If there is a God in the Heavens, this is just idle speculation, and that's all it will ever be. Either way, I'd like to have the proposing senators immediately fired, disbarred, impeached, or whatever it is you do to people like that to make them go away.

Picture This: Ben Affleck, Senator From Va.

If you liked him as Bennifer . . . you'll love him as Benator!

That's the hot new idea being tossed around by Virginia Democrats, who are desperately searching for a big name to challenge the reelection bid of rising GOP star Sen. George Allen next year, now that outgoing Gov. Mark Warner has ducked out.

Full story.

Sigh.

Hey, whatcha listening to right now? Just curious. Comment anonymously if you're embarassed. I'll start.

George Bush was being debriefed earlier today by Donald Rumsfeld. During the debriefing Mr Rumsfeld informed President Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. The president bowed his head for about 5 minutes obviously mourning the loss.  Everyone in attendance was surprised about how hard he was taking it until he finally raised his head and said..."Exactly how many is in a brazilion?"

(Thanks Jennings) 

Have you seen that mediocre John Travolta / Nicolas Cage vehicle Face Off? Where they slice off each of their faces and switch them? That shit's about to become reality.

Doctors are interviewing potentials to receive the first-ever face transplant. The new face is to be supplied by a dead donor, and computer models show that the new face will look like neither the original face or the dead guy's face. The recipient will have to be on powerful anti-rejection drugs for the remainder of his/her life, and there's fantastic risk that this will blow up in the worst way. (Two pun opportunities in that sentence, rejection and blow up ... you fill them in)

So if you're as ugly as you think you are, hold on. A few years down the line, perhaps you can kill me and steal my face.

Link

Thanks to Stacey's recent secession from this little blogodome, it's open season on rape jokes. Now obviously rape isn't a good thing. For fuck's sake, c'mon. I wouldn't rape anything capable of emotional reaction and questioning self-image. That's why I primarily rape stuffed animals.

Anyway, I'm trying to find some good rape jokes. I know I've heard some over the years, for sure. So here's a couple. Though these aren't necessarily so good. Got any more?

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Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

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In "Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary" (edition 15) on page 1451 begins an article entitled "rape and sexual assault prevention" Towards the end of the article is the following paragraph.

"If forced to participate in oral sex, i.e., fellatio, and you feel your life is in danger, then a vigorous, quick, and forceful attempt to amputate the penis by biting could completely demotivate the rapist because of extreme pain. You should immediately flee at that time."

To me that last sentence seems a prime candidate for the under statement of the year award.

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Due to the current financial situation and probable merger, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as Retiring Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Subsistance Conditions for Retired Early Workers). A person may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

('joke' continues but just gets more tiring, really)

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Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

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A British visitor to a convent in Italy asked one of the sisters how they had managed during the war.
"Oh it was a-terrible. First there were troops here from another part of Italy and they rape all the nuns except-a for Sister Maria. Then they went away and the Americans came and they rape all the nuns except for Sister Maria. And then they were replaced by the French. They were the worst of all. The French soldiers broke down the doors of the convent and they rape all-a-de nuns except for Sister Maria.
"But-er-tell me", said the puzzled Englishman, "Why did none of them rape Sister Maria?"
"Oh, Sister Maria, she no like that kind of thing".

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