www.leefur.com

Boy, that Jack Handy. Deep Thoughts, I miss you. This page has a ton of them. I got about halfway through. Here's the ones that made me actually laugh out loud. Or at least chuckle out loud.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

The extraordinary paucity of comments on here has me doubting whether anyone is still reading this thing, and at that if I should keep posting stuff. But for now I'll carry onward.

If you like seeing our Commander-in-Chief bumble his words, check out this explanation of just why he does it. It's not stupidity, it's wisdom. Link

(Thanks Bennett) 

George Bush was being debriefed earlier today by Donald Rumsfeld. During the debriefing Mr Rumsfeld informed President Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. The president bowed his head for about 5 minutes obviously mourning the loss.  Everyone in attendance was surprised about how hard he was taking it until he finally raised his head and said..."Exactly how many is in a brazilion?"

(Thanks Jennings) 

Thanks to Stacey's recent secession from this little blogodome, it's open season on rape jokes. Now obviously rape isn't a good thing. For fuck's sake, c'mon. I wouldn't rape anything capable of emotional reaction and questioning self-image. That's why I primarily rape stuffed animals.

Anyway, I'm trying to find some good rape jokes. I know I've heard some over the years, for sure. So here's a couple. Though these aren't necessarily so good. Got any more?

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Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

source

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In "Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary" (edition 15) on page 1451 begins an article entitled "rape and sexual assault prevention" Towards the end of the article is the following paragraph.

"If forced to participate in oral sex, i.e., fellatio, and you feel your life is in danger, then a vigorous, quick, and forceful attempt to amputate the penis by biting could completely demotivate the rapist because of extreme pain. You should immediately flee at that time."

To me that last sentence seems a prime candidate for the under statement of the year award.

source

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Due to the current financial situation and probable merger, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as Retiring Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Subsistance Conditions for Retired Early Workers). A person may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

('joke' continues but just gets more tiring, really)

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Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

source

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A British visitor to a convent in Italy asked one of the sisters how they had managed during the war.
"Oh it was a-terrible. First there were troops here from another part of Italy and they rape all the nuns except-a for Sister Maria. Then they went away and the Americans came and they rape all the nuns except for Sister Maria. And then they were replaced by the French. They were the worst of all. The French soldiers broke down the doors of the convent and they rape all-a-de nuns except for Sister Maria.
"But-er-tell me", said the puzzled Englishman, "Why did none of them rape Sister Maria?"
"Oh, Sister Maria, she no like that kind of thing".

source

Let the petulant attacks begin!

These are basically the only two amusing shirts on T-ShirtHumor.com

Reworked a bit from a joke Mom sent ...

What is Bush's stance of Roe vs. Wade?

... Like he gives a shit how people get out of New Orleans. 

 

Take that, Seinfeld. 

Git out yer pitchforks and let's go a lynchin'! I'm a prouuud 'murican!

Hmm, maybe I'm not as liberal as I thought. I agree with a lot of the George Carlin bit. (Thanks mom for the
forward)

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, dog-gone-it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put you through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my rear off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your rear over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me junk or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what the heck is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

I've seen a bunch of movies recently that are all 7-8 on a 10-point scale; all very very much worth a looksee - Grizzly Man, March of the Penguins, Batman Begins, Murderball, and finally The Aristocrats.

The Aristocrats was HILARIOUS (and I hate using all-caps, at that). It is basically a documentary about one of the most well-known jokes told amongst comedians. Nearly every comic you've probably ever heard of is involved in the flick, telling their version of the joke and helping to dissect why it's funny. The joke, see, is like jazz; the framework is set, but there's freedom to riff ad nauseum. So let's try it! Weee!

**** THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART OR TASTE ****

First I'll do a version of the joke:

A guy walks into a talent agent's office and says "I have an act with my family - the likes of which no one has ever seen - and we're looking for representation."

"Tell me a bit about your act" the agent replies.

"Well, I come out in tux, with my wife in a beautiful gown. My wife walks over to me, unzips my fly, pulls out my cock and begins to lovingly suck me off. While she's doing this, I'll pull up at her dress to reveal that she's not wearing any panties. She takes a shit on the floor, while still blowing me, mind you. My wife is very talented.

"Meanwhile, we bring out a Jew and a Negro, each tied to a crucifix. A couple minutes later we bring out a full-fledged member of the Ku Klux clan, who has a 12 foot bull whip. With malicious intensity, he begins whipping the Negro, who cries out in pain with every lash. Then we bring out an actual 4th generation direct decendent of Hitler, in an authentic 1939 Hitler Youth uniform. He uses a lighter and a squirt gun filled with sulphuic acid to slowly burn the arms and testicles of the Jew, who's cries of pain meld with the Negroes into anadmittedly dischordant chorus of torture."

"At this point, my children come out on stage. My daughter balls up a bit of my wife's shit and begins spreading it on my cock. My wife is still blowing me, and the taste of the shit, and the smell of the corn in it, is just too much for her and she begins to vomit violently, splashing off my midsection into a puddle on the floor. Our dog comes up and begins lapping up the vomit pile while my son lifts up the tail and begins quickly sodomizing the pup.

"By now, my daughter has slid my pants off and gone around back and begun tounging my asshole. Having not showered in three days, and with a visible layer of shit and ass-cheese, this is too much for her delicate young pallette to deal with and she also begins vigoruosly vomitting, generally on the first few rows of the audience.

"The dog at this point makes his way over to my squatting daughter and works his head under her skirt and begins licking her pussy. My son come around behind my daughter, pushes her onto all fours, and begins raping her unprepared ass. As she screams out in pain, I turn around and jerk off all over her face. The cum drips down onto the stage, mixing with the vomit and the blood pooling under her delicate rear end.

"I sit down in the mixture and then lift my legs up by my head so the dog can lick my balls and ass clean as my wife jams my daughter's head into her pussy, forcing her to eat out her shit-stained kootch. Then my son pulls out, walks around and punches my daughter in the face, and starts fucking my wife. My son, mind you, is hung like a rhino.

"Meanwhile, I stand up and come around to my sobbing daughter's rear and begin fist fucking her pussy until I rip out part of her uteral lining with my unclipped fingernails. Then the dog comes by and begins raping my daughter until she passes out from the pain, resting her angelic face in the blend of blood, shit, cum, vomit, and uteral flesh chunks on the stage. This of course doesn't stop the dog.

"Finally, I shove my cock in my wife's ass, and soon the dog comes by and starts fucking my wife's mouth. With all three of us now inside her, my son generally cums first, and the dog next. I wait until at least my son's cum has dried, scrape it up into pieces like dried snot, and shove my whole cum-laden fist in her mouth until she vomits on herself as I pull out and cum on the dog."

The agent is dumbstruck. "Wow, that's like nothing I've ever heard of! What do you call such an act?"

The man smiles gently, then strikes a proud pose, hands on hips, chin up, and proclaims "We're The Aristocrats!"

See? Get it? The punchline sucks. But the point of the joke is the build-up, and the construction of it means that you're going for contrast against their name of "The Aristocrats", so the more vile, the better. So I've taken my turn, now you take yours. If you want to write a whole joke like this, please do. If you just wanna throw out some brainstorming ideas ("hey, what if the wife was pregnant, and we got the dog good and angry and shoved up in the wife, and the dog came out snarling with the fetus in its teeth?"), that works too. Wanna add a grandma or grandpa or uncle or farm animal? Go nuts!

Lovingly,

Lee

Monkeys rule. (Thanks Teri)